Friday, 31 January 2014
2013 was a tough one. There were some great moments - one day, when they're all grown up, I hope to be able to thank the girls for the cuddles, the giggles and the busy-ness that kept the cogs turning, albeit a bit wobbly at times. Keeping the glass half full was a struggle, but I think we got there. I've only just realised how much my thinking was on pause. So, while everything else was going at warp speed - multiple jobs, family crisis, house floods, more family crisis... there were areas of thought that were shut down for a while. Now I'm trying to let myself be honest. I miss Dad -of course I do - it's only been 2 and a bit months, but really, I've been missing him for two years now.
Dad’s illness took parts of him away. The silver lining during the first 2 weeks after he died were the messages from people who knew him. Reading touching words about his silliness – fancy dressed as a tall skinny caterpillar and catching a floating sombrero in the sea – or messages recognising his kindness, his consideration for others, his polite gentle nature, went some way to put the special pieces of him back together.
There was a release in finally facing the worst thing that could happen, but after that initial release has faded, there's a lot of rebuilding and relearning to do. Re-learning how to be the daughter of a grieving single parent, re-learning how to be your own frame of reference. So, I guess this stuff is what really being a grown up is all about.